The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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