Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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