i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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