is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He? As in you personified your dick?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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