Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
