who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
