i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
