I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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