Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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