Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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