I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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