He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
