She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
