First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
