When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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