I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
