I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
