Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
