Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize