If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
