she woke up with a sticky ear
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
