After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize