Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
