Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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