Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
