I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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