why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
