When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
