i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
