Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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