Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize