Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
smell my finger.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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