I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
