is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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