Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Randomize
