seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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