remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
