the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
