well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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