he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
