there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
