Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
