I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
