When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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