I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
