U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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