I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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