I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
