I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
