last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
