saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
