If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
