Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
