I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
