I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
