Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
