A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
