halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
