i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
