After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
is wine microwaveable?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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