dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
