Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
