Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
